Kitty Wisdom: Bad Kitty

 

I only wish I had caught this on video … Slurpee got up on the kitchen counter and like a bandido in fine criminal style, pulled a bag of bread down to the ground. By the time we caught him mid-steal, he had trotted off to my daughter’s bedroom with the bag in his mouth. His plan, you ask? To eat his stash under the bed. Speaking of that bed, we discovered that both Slurpee and Icee had started stealing food (cans of cat food, bread, etc.) and eating it under the bed. To suggest that cats don’t know exactly what they’re doing is wrong. The little buggers knew they would be in trouble for stealing and hoarding food, so they hid it. It reminded me of the person who hides food they know they’re not supposed to eat. But, the image of Slurpee swiping that bread and heading off to the bedroom with the loaf in his mouth … well, priceless! He looked like a dog with a ball in his mouth.

I used to read this book series called Bad Kitties by Nick Bruel to my daughter Cambria when she was a little girl. She loved it! Book titles included Bad Kitty Goes to the Vet, Bad Kitty Gets a Bath, Bad Kitty Drawn to Trouble, etc. In fact, when I initially thought about writing Kitty Wisdom, I thought about doing it like this children’s book series (I’m also an artist and illustrator); however, no one writes “Bad Kitty” stories better than Bruel. I loved the books, because they highlight all kinds of funny cat situations, with of course, grains of truth in them.

I admit, I have yelled “bad kitty” on many occasions. Actually, I spend about 70 percent of my time saying, “No, it’s not dinner time,” as they beg for food throughout the day. I’ve said it so much that all I have to do now is say, “NO!”

I often break into lecturing them. “You know it’s not dinner time. So quit asking”

“But, it’s almost dinner time,” argues Slurpee.

“Almost” in Slurpee language means at least two hours before typical feeding time. I must say, he can be committed to meowing for food anytime I take one step toward the kitchen. It’s so annoying that I often trip over both kitties as they squirm around my legs.

Icee, on the other hand, looks wide-eyed and says, “Yes, I agree with Slurpee.”

Icee has this “who-me” look on his face all of the time. My daughter dared to call him “smooth in the brain,” and I got offended for him. “He’s not smooth in the brain,” I countered. I leaned over and pet the top of his sweet, little furry head, “He’s smart, aren’t you Icee?” I coo at him.

“Meow,” he agrees with me.

Icee is more like this quiet force of nature. He can be stealth when he wants something and far less obvious about it than Slurpee who makes more noise and calls attention to his naughtiness. Icee though just acts naughty … quietly. He’s so silent when he’s up to no good that I am surprised when I catch him in the act. The “act” is him getting up on the kitchen counters where he absolutely knows he doesn’t belong. I will grab the squirt gun and tell him, “Bad kitty! Get down!”

Let’s talk about the squirt bottle for a moment. Some experts say that it only makes them associate the squirt with you and direct their negative feelings toward you. Others suggest it’s a great technique to teach them not to do certain behaviors. In my opinion, it probably does make them irritated toward you and it doesn’t really deter the undesired behavior. It does, though, get them to get down or off or whatever you need them to do. So, in that sense it works. I could squirt Slurpee, in particular, to get off the counters a dozen or more times – all in a row – and it won’t stop him. He eventually stops to lick the water off his fur, but if, say, you leave chicken on the counter, he’ll be right back to try and steal some of it. Icee doesn’t have the same stubborn tenacity. I can squirt him once and that seems to be enough. He skulks quietly away.

I don’t think I’ve ever owned a kitty that didn’t get on the kitchen counters. The countertops are to kitties what catnip is to them – they just can’t seem to stop themselves. So, we keep the squirt bottle on the ready in the dining area. It’s up to you as to whether or not you want to use the bottle. You might research some other training tips, but I have found this technique is at least temporarily effective. I even saw some cat owners put down tinfoil on all of the counters. A tinfoil-covered kitchen isn’t aesthetically pleasing, so I don’t see that as an option. Other people suggest putting the cat tree in the kitchen. Nope – that didn’t work either. I’m telling you, cats just can’t seem to stay off the counters no matter what you try to do.

I’m mellower about the cats jumping on counters, which isn’t to suggest that it doesn’t bother me. Of course, I don’t want them on the counters. However, they like being up high, which is why you should buy them cat trees that allow them to “sit on top of the world,” so to speak. They like a bird’s eye view on everything. I try to pick my battles. If they jump on my dresser, for example, I leave it alone. However, Detlef is much more irritated by it, especially when they cause mayhem. Just the other day, Slurpee jumped on the dresser/cabinet we have in the kitchen, which gave him access to my wall paintings. He inadvertently knock down the framed painting, and Detlef went nuts and chased Slurpee off the furniture while also squirting him and declaring, “Bad kitty!” I walked nonchalantly into the room, looked at the damage, and then told Detlef to calm down – he’s a cat.

“You allow him on the counter!” he protested.

“No, I don’t,” I responded calmly. “You’re just frustrated. Let it go. He’s a cat.”

Then I proceeded to clean up the mess and let Slurpee know I disapproved; but, you can only squirt a cat so much before it’s just a matter of getting him wet. He doesn’t fully appreciate your frustration.  

Slurpee recently mastered opening and closing cabinets. I put their kitty treats in the cupboard above their kitty bowls. Sure enough, I heard this crinkling noise and wondered what happened. I got up from my desk and what havoc did I discover? Slurpee had gotten up on the counter, opened the cupboard, and grabbed his kitty treats with his mouth. He attempted to get it open with his mouth; hence, the crinkling noise of the plastic wrap. I admonished him, took it away, and put it up higher on the shelf. Thankfully, he couldn’t get it anymore, but I’ve heard him try (I heard the cupboard slam shut). Watch your kitty. They can be sneaky when left to their own tricks.  

The other area of annoyance involves what I call “cup-tipping” games. Icee has never partaken in cup-tipping. On the other hand, Slurpee uses cup-tipping as a way to get my attention, especially when the glass sits on my nightstand next to the bed. In fact, now that I am thinking about it, he only tips cups on the nightstand. My former cat Bill was a literal menace when it came to cup-tipping. It got to the point where I didn’t dare leave an unattended cup, especially one filled with liquid on any flat surface whatsoever. He tipped so many coffee mugs on my desk that he destroyed five keyboards. I saw the most hilarious video on TikTok where the cat went to slide the cup off the tabletop and the owner said, “Do it and I’ll kill you!” Little gray cat gingerly used his little paw to slide the glass back the other direction – message received!

Cup-tipping though isn’t the most damaging activity. Slurpee, who loves to stare outside, as does Icee, managed to chew out a perfectly square “portal” in the front-window blinds. Slurpee must be skilled in geometry, because that portal is seriously a perfect square. We eventually had to replace the blinds. Before we replaced them, it was pretty cute to see him peering out his portal. He sat staring out of the portal for hours and hours. To prevent another square from being carved out, we now leave the new blinds pulled up a bit in order to allow the cats to stare out the window.

Slurpee gets excited when neighborhood cats come visit or he watches squirrels climb up and jump around in the big tree. He also becomes intrigued when sparrows, finches, blue jays, hummingbirds, and the occasional woodpecker show up for entertainment. We recently had a rare encounter with a flock of Cedar Waxwings that came to eat up the berries in our gutter. I can only imagine Slurpee’s glee with hundreds of birds in the yard. Icee tends to stare at the birds through the back sliding-glass door. He doesn’t sit very often and use Slurpee’s spot – or maybe Slurpee doesn’t like to share his window seat.

For a while, we absolutely wouldn’t let Icee go outside, but Slurpee got outdoor privileges (that is, until he got sick … see chapter on health). Why, you ask, and maybe even comment that doesn’t seem fair. “Yeah, Mom! Not fair,” I can hear Icee’s protest as I write these words. Icee got restricted because he’s clumsy. The first time he managed to escape, he came home with a nice-sized gash on his rear flank. It took weeks for the gash to fully heal, and it left behind a random white fur patch where it healed over. Since Icee tends to crash about the house and unintendedly hit random walls and furniture, we feel it’s safer (and avoids unexpected vet bills) to keep him inside – and we did so until the fresh air of spring weather seemed too cruel to resist letting him enjoy it, too.

Now (as I write this, it’s spring time) Detlef lets Slurpee and Icee out for play time. They get let out right before breakfast. Detlef wakes up around 6:00 a.m. and feeds the cats (these days we have a timed feeder to do the job, but Detlef is still up and around). He lets them go outside to play for a little while. I also let them out when I’m sitting at the dining-room table and can keep an eye on them. It’s hilarious to watch them hunt for bugs. Icee recently captured a random mosquito eater and played with it like a cat toy. They both love rolling around on the cement. Detlef blows off the patio so they don’t get filthy rolling around in debris.

“Bad kitty” behavior began when Slurpee decided he wanted full access to the backyard – and eventually the front yard when he learned to climb the fence. We live on a cul-de-sac with low-volume traffic. However, that doesn’t mean I’m okay with Slurpee jumping the fence. The minute he slips out of sight, I know he’s ventured out. I always call him back inside and end play time when he’s exploring the front yard.

The next “bad kitty” problem comes from Slurpee loudly and obnoxiously yowling around the house, crying to be let outside. “Meow! Meow! Meow!” Ugh! I do not like to reward that obsessive meowing and let him out. So, one day I sat down on the bed and called him to me.

“Slurpee, we need to have a talk.”

Slurpee, wide-eyed and full of hope this discussion would result in his end game, an adventure in the yard.

“No, did you hear me? No, no, no – and no. It’s getting late and you can’t go outside, so no. And you’re crying about is getting on my last nerve, so stop it.”

Slurpee looked at me and around. He resigned himself to reality and quit meowing. Do not underestimate your cat’s intelligence. Again, you might think I’m the crazy cat lady, but trust me, cats understand language better than you think. Once you’ve owned kitties – and of course, their intelligence varies much like humans – you’ll recognize their smarts. Just talk to them. They get it.

So, back to the lure of the great outdoors. They frolic and play and then it’s time to come back inside. Detlef lures them back into the house by shaking the cat-food mason jar to entice them. It makes a distinct clinking noise of the pebbles bouncing against the glass. Slurpee, though, returns on his own without the proverbial container shake if he knows Detlef has fed Icee without him. Slurpee lunges at the sliding-glass door and gets up on his hindlegs and stands upright as he tries to get in. We watch him in amusement.

“Oh, now you want inside…”

“Yes, yes, yes, now please! I see food!”

As noted, food, or even the slightest whiff of food, brings all kitties running faster than a race car (whoosh, zoom, and they’re off). Their ears are so tuned in that even the slightest click of a can of cat food being opened or dry food being poured into a bowl – and they seemingly materialize out of thin air! They’re over the finish line! It’s Slurpee by a whisker (although I’ve seen Icee give Slurpee a run for his money). Never underestimate the power of food to entice your cat to come faster than you can blink and grin.

We recently had another bad kitty experience with food being stashed under my daughter’s bed. I had just prepared chicken and left it on the cutting board to be covered in Panko breading to fry. I moved away from the counter for a mere split-second when I turned back and Slurpee had an entire chicken thigh in his mouth. He greedily raced to my daughter’s bedroom to enjoy his gourmet meal under the bed. I chased him (frankly concerned he would over-gorge on that chicken). When I got into the bedroom, a dour smell of urine penetrated my nostrils. “Ugh!” Someone peed on the carpet – no! I know it wasn’t Icee. Slurpee is the bad behavior cat, not Icee. Fortunately, I had just done a review of pet odor remover products for Rental Housing Magazine, which I am the editor. I thought, “Never a better moment to really try these products out.” It’s super important to remove the odor, which is a way that Slurpee marked his territory. You don’t want the urine to build up and ruin the carpet. Nothing smells worse than cat pee – and it’s hard to get out if you don’t catch it in time. Once I cleaned it up, I closed the door so he can’t return to the scene of the crime and become a repeat offender. If you can somehow keep your kitty away from where he peed, the odor remover will do its job.

Kitty Wisdom: it’s not enough to get a standard odor remover product. You need to invest in one with enzymes that eat up the urine. I used several and found that Pupford – Oops Eraser (www.pupford.com) worked splendidly. It’s a pleasant orange-scented, all natural stain and odor eliminator.

Kitty Wisdom: male cats will spray their territory if you don’t get them neutered. You don’t want random spray around your house. You can get your cat neutered between six- to eight-weeks old, but most vets will do it between four- and six-months old. I strongly recommend you do it as young as possible so they never develop this bad habit. Both of my cats have been neutered since you cannot take them from a rescue without having them fixed.

Then we noticed something strange. Slurpee began trying to get back into Cambria’s bedroom. We wondered why since he had not been previously interested in that room. After several days of Slurpee’s persistent behavior to get back in the room, we discovered why. The little food hoarder had managed to create quite a stash of food underneath the bed. Upon inspection, Detlef found two chunks of unopened cheese blocks that had been gnawed through the plastic wrap, empty cans of cat food, chewed-up bread, and debris. Wow! No wonder the room smelled off (aside from the urine, of course). So, once more we cleaned out the old food, deodorized the carpet again, and vacuumed. Then we closed the room back up. Once the food got removed, Slurpee quit trying to break in. We will keep a close eye on it to prevent him from doing any more damage.

We also deal with the cats constantly scratching our furniture. As noted in an earlier chapter, we recently bought a new sectional sofa. Brand new, and the first new sofa I had bought in 15 years. I looked at the sectional in Costco and loved it; however, a little voice in my head warned, “Hey! That fabric is a little too cat friendly!” Yep! The moment we got the sectional installed, Slurpee showed up to christen it with his claws. Darn! I knew it. No one wants their new furniture wrecked. We ordered some clear tape strips to cover up the base and bought big, beautiful blankets to go over the top. On both counts, it effectively stopped him from scratching – sort’a. I swear he can find an uncovered place and do it anyway. Icee doesn’t do it. He loves to scratch the various posts we have spread throughout the house. He loves this fish-shaped scratcher the best. You can buy scratchers in various jungle-gym-type shapes or even miniature sofas made from cardboard. My daughter even got Icee a “kissing booth” scratcher – it’s pretty cute.

We’ve also had problems with the cats scratching up the carpet in front of closed doors. Since we don’t like to be pounced on (or woken up with Slurpee “brushing” my hair with his paws), we close our bedroom door. Slurpee and Icee get demanding when they want to be fed breakfast and both began clawing underneath the door and damaging the carpet. Then at various times, each kitty has been accidently locked in my walk-in closet. They also started to damage the carpet under that door, too. Next, Slurpee likes to be with Detlef in the bathroom while he shaves. If Detlef doesn’t let him in immediately, he starts scratching under that door. So, we went to Costco and invested in small area rugs we could slide under the door to protect the main carpet – problem solved. If they ruin an inexpensive throw rug, it’s not a big deal. Now they scratch those rugs. It’s not a decorator’s dream look, but it doesn’t look bad either.

We did have to repair the carpet, so like any smart researcher does these days, we found a YouTube video on how to perform carpet repairs. What you do is get a straight edge and heavy-duty carpet scissors. You will need double-sided tape. Use the straight edge to cut a perfect square around the damaged area, remove that piece, and use it like a template to cut out another piece from leftover carpet (so it matches). Place the double-side tape on the new piece, press it down, and voile! Your carpet is fixed. Blend in the fibers as much as possible, and you can hardly tell the difference.

Overall, when it comes to “Bad Kitty” situations you need to know two important things. One, your cat is without question going to do certain behaviors you’re not going to like. You need to be prepared to let it go. Cats do as cats do. Yelling and getting frustrated will do you no good. You can try behavior modification, but just remember that phrase: cats do as cats do. Second, every problem has a solution. You might need to get creative like I did with the area rugs and the clear tape, but no problem is too big to be solved. Do the rugs look great in such strange places? No, but it’s way better than having thousands of dollars in carpet damage. Our next house will have wood flooring. In the meantime, we found a temporary patch to stop the destruction. If you can’t think of any ideas, ask some of your cat-loving friends. You can even visit your local pet store and ask about possible gadgets to use. But, no matter what, realize that when you adopt a kitty the upside tempers the downside. Just like people, kitties aren’t perfect. You just have to “manage” them.