First Word

3 Colonel Baptista After the bloody skirmish at SuperCon, I returned to my light-tight love nest. Donatello lay sprawled across our red-velvet couch. She was eating a box of See’s Candy presumable to restore her own blood sugar. She rested her eyes on my blood-soaked clothes and jumped to her feet. “My liege! Oh the horror! Bloody rags!” she gasped. I stridently walked toward the stairwell and upstairs. She trailed right behind me. I knew she was deeply concerned for her lover and master. I couldn’t stand to be in soiled, bloody clothes much longer. The horror and foulness of it all had my vampire blood boiling over in rage. I was in a bad mood and wouldn’t feel better till I was clothed in April fresh silk pajamas. Donatallo knew how much I despised messy eaters and blood droplets that stained clothes. I was a neat king and a very tidy eater – and this blood bath on my clothes would not do. I walked straight into my bedroom and whipped off the clothes in a blink...

Introduction Why We’re All Dead I am the last free man on Earth. I think. In vampire terms, though, I am a free-range human. Actually, maybe I am being slightly melodramatic. I saw the second-to-the last woman on Earth about three weeks ago when I was wondering the Apocalyptic Highway to Hell. She looked awful and complained about the blisters on her feet. No sooner did I meet her in her all tired and dirty, that night a vamp flew in out the darkness and scooped her up. I have no idea where the dude took her. These stinking vamps and their flying talents – they’re like those nasty spider monkeys and swoop in and grab you to carry you off to suck on you for weeks. They do feed you, though, to keep you alive so that’s pretty good. Some people kind of like it and become super happy companions with their dead masters. I’ve even heard of some vamps marrying their human food source, and everyone is all fat and happy about it, throwing god damne...

Preface It’s the year 3010 and the great Apocalypse of Death is nearing the end. After 50 years of death, war and destruction, the zombies, vampires and humans are about to take their last stand. What is at stake – the survival of the human race.   Zombies and vampires have brought the human race to the verge of extinction. Now only a small population of humans have survived, which has created a great famine for vampires. The head of the vampires Colonel Baptista has declared all zombies must be annihilated. His rival necromancer General Wilhelm, though, has a secret weapon – one that is sure to kill all of the remaining humans, and therefore, eliminate the food source of the vampires and destroy their race as well.   And then zombies will rule the world.

This excerpt comes from the forthcoming book, We're All Dead due out in spring 2012. This little scene happens after our heroine Cookie Gingerbreadhouse escapes the deadly clutches of General Wilhelm, the necromancer lord and ends up in the company of the vampire king's "lesser" twin brother Lt. Colburn. Have fun!  As I was walking along, I saw a poster in the window of another storefront. It was like one of those old Army posters that said stuff like “Uncle Sam Wants You”. This poster read: Resist! There was a phone number. It occurred to me this might be associated with the resistance. Now I needed a smart phone. I felt certain this was the group I needed to contact to find Jellybean. Then I felt a hard blow on the back of my head. Someone had thrown something at my head. I rubbed my head and turned around. It was a vampire. I could tell by his white pallor. The minute I turned around, his fangs popped out and he circled around me. “What are you?” he said and sme...

Readers on this blog seem to be enjoying funny clips from my two upcoming books We're All Dead and California Girl Chronicles: Brea and the City of Plastic, the second book in the series. Since it's Saturday and all work and no play makes a very boring girl, here are some clips to entertain you. We're All Dead “Fantastic!” I cried in my gleeful state before I realized I had not quite formed a plan. “Damn it!” I thought but did not dare speak aloud. A great warrior king cannot allow his subjects to realize he was no smart enough to form an actual plan of attack. I looked at my brother who was shuffling back and forth and had snatched a mouse he was now sucking like a rodent-pop. Oh wretched vampire and messy eater! I lost my temper. He had dribbled blood on his white blouse that had ruffled fringes, which looked straight out of the Victorian era. “No messy eating!” I roared like a lion. California Girl Chronicles: Brea's Big Break Johnny stood in the door...

The thing about writing funny scenes (for me) is that I can't force the humor. If you stand there and tell me, "Be funny now," I'll stare at you with one of those blank deer looks. In fact, I would be terrible if someone asked me to write in a group and make it funny. Again, blank, uncomfortable stare on my face and absolutely no idea. Yet throw me in a situation where human behavior takes place at random, and I become the narrator of the place. Better yet, do something annoying, and I don't get annoyed, I just make a string of quips. When I'm writing humorous material, I have to be left alone with my quirky mind to run amok on the page. What truly amazes me is when I start a scene and the material evolves on its own without a direct push from my logical thinking. Here is one of my favorite jokes from the script Beauty School . Let me set the scene, our resident fool Bo is attempting to do a little girl's hair with some funny consequences from his own in...

I haven’t widely shared yet, but I am working on a new book titled  We’re All Dead . It’s a parody of the vampire and zombie craze. Here is the preface so you know what it’s about, and then the short excerpt. Remember, it’s a parody even if the preface sounds somewhat serious. Summary It’s the year 3010 and the great Apocalypse of Death is nearing the end. After 50 years of death, war and destruction, the zombies, vampires and humans are about to take their last stand. At stake – the survival of the human race. Zombies and vampires have brought the human race to the verge of extinction. Now only a small population of humans have survived, which has created a great famine for vampires. The head of the vampires Colonel Baptista has declared all zombies must be annihilated. His rival necromancer General Doc Wilhelm, though, has a secret weapon – one that is sure to kill all of the remaining humans, and therefore, eliminate the food source of the vampires and destroy their race as wel...