Ruthless Dating, Part I

  After another breakup where halfway through the relationship I found out that I had been deceived, I realized once again my “picker” was broken. I stayed after I uncovered the deception. I got asked why? The answer is simple: love. Once you have been swept into the deception and relationship, it makes it difficult to break it off. The lies and emotional abuse continued until I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I finally ended it. Now I faced being single again—ugh! Not again, right?!

    The good news is, this time it was different. I had read and studied how to have a healthy relationship. I highly recommend you sign up for emails from online relationship experts like A New Mode, Flourish, Jason Stedman (he replaced Christian Carter), Rory O’Rourk, and others. I began voraciously reading about how men think and behave. Over many years of conscious reading, I came to understand important issues, such as setting boundaries, loving yourself, and learning to date stress-free.

            I recently met the man of my dreams. He is ideal for ME (not necessarily for someone else). I applied everything I learned as I went through the dating process. Now I’ve also advised my girlfriends as they go through the same journey to love. I talked to my girlfriend the other day and said, “You have to be ruthless. You don’t give ‘out-points’ or red flags a chance to develop. You take your ‘heart’ out of it.”

            Yes, you do not lead with your heart, you lead with your brain.

I don’t care how good looking the man. I don’t care if you have that animal attraction. I don’t care if he makes you laugh or whatever turns you on. You make your choices clear, quick, and avoid any kind of attachment. I call it “ruthless dating,” because you have to imagine yourself like a Ninja cutting through the nonsense and willing to chop off the head of the dragon. (I realize some of you may argue with this analogy, but I stand by it.)

            So case in point: I had several suitors who never got to the first date. Anyone who did get to the first date went under the same scrutiny. I’m 55, and I don’t have more time to waste on liars and cheaters. Also, I want to emphasize something that I’ve noticed women seem to forget as they focus on the man. Remember ladies, this is YOUR life not just his life. You are under absolutely no obligation to anyone to let them into your life. This sentiment translates to clarity. Once you own your life and value yourself, you won’t need to be a big, ole people-pleaser to someone who is really still a stranger to you. This objectivity allows that Ninja in you to come out and cut it off before it begins. I had no qualms ending something before it began when I saw it through that perspective.

            So, how do you become swift and decisive?

 

No. #1 – Identify Red Flags and Don’t Let Them “Wave,” So to Speak

What does that mean? Case in point, one man I talked to subtly demeaned me. He probably didn’t think twice about it, but the sensitive ear pays attention. I had filed an extension on my taxes. I mentioned I was on my way to pick up my tax files. He said, “What? You don’t handle your taxes right?” Hmm … as a grown, responsible woman I felt uncomfortable with his tone and comment. My red-flag detector went off. So, out came the Ninja sword and chop! Done.

 

P.S., I felt no need to discuss my position or even pose an argument. I just swiftly blocked him and done. Part of what I mentioned above applies: it’s MY life, and I don’t know you. If a man (or woman) makes derogatory comments early on, it’s not going to get better. Just remember, the early stages of courtship, the man is supposed to be on his best behavior. Anything that starts in the beginning isn’t going to improve. NEXT…

 

No. #2 – Set Standards and Don’t Apologize

I wanted an educate or worldly man. Some men found this offensive. I actually got negative comments about it. Once more applying the basic concept that it’s my life, I don’t care if someone doesn’t like what I’m putting down. Remember, don’t set standards that you can’t apply to yourself. For example, I can’t say I want an educated man when I’m not educated myself – that’s a double-standard.

 

No. #3 – He’s Just Not That Into You

Back in the early 2000s, this Sex-and-the-City episode caught on so much that it turned into a movie. It’s a flat, true, unequivocal truth. A man (or woman) who is into you will show it. I have found that a guy who is into me calls me immediately after the first date. He will set the second date as quickly as possible. Why? Because he’s so into you, he wants to sweep you off the market as soon as possible. He will text without question. He won’t leave you wondering how he feels, you’ll know it (trust me). 

 

In fact, any guy who doesn’t do these things, don’t keep going on dates with him. Chances are, he will turn into a toxic guy. Again, I know people will argue with this supposition and say, “Hey! You have to give him a chance.” No, no I don’t have to give him a chance. I’m not playing here. Time and time again when a man acted lukewarm toward me, it turned into a cat-and-mouse game. It results in questions that you shouldn’t have to ask yourself, such as, “Does he like me?” LOL… sounds silly, but so many women will sit around and dissect that question. Just cut him out, period! Be ruthless and don’t begin that round of “does he or doesn’t he.” It stinks.

 

All right … so part II is coming soon. I want to emphasize this information isn’t rocket science. I’ve learned after years of heartbreak and dating the wrong men.

 

Michelle Gamble is an author, writer, and publisher. For more information, contact 3L Publishing at info@3LPublishing.com.