Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Mass Transit

Is there a great movie on this yet ... terrible air-travel experiences? Oh yeah, Planes, Trains and Automobiles ... well after not just one but two plane trips shoved into coach like sardines wrenched into a very small tin can, I can safely say I need to get rich and fly only first class.

Horror story #1--the orally fixated guy behind me. You know some people just HAVE to have something in their mouths 24 x 7. Well, orally fixated guy had a nice, juicy wad of gum shoved in his mouth with his head phones to all mute sound -- all sounds including his own. Well, let me tell you -- and this is no exaggeration -- he chomped, slurped, popped and snorted that gum a good four hours. Oh yeah, I forgot my iPod so my entertainment on my non-stop trip to Fort Lauderdale was his cud-chewing acrobatics. About the time he's slurping and snorting, I felt an increasing urge to punch him on the arm. Oh but wait! He's orally fixated, right. So if he isn't chewing something that would just be incredibly inappropriate ... so here comes the "snacks" ... oh yeah, baby, it's snack time. Let's crumple, crack and let the crunching begin. Yeah, dig in! And please don't let me encourage you at all to learn to eat with your mouth closed. God forbid orally fixated guy have good manners. Oh, no that would just not be humanly possible.

Horror story #2--the smelly foreigner who uses my shoulder as a pillow and spread eagles. Okay, I know it's hard to get the middle seat. I also am so petite that the temptation to spread over into my chair is easy for sure. But smell foreign guy decides he likes me. Well, I don't like him. He's taking every possible opportunity to touch me. Ew! I'm so not one of these people who like to be touched by strangers. Pretty soon, he's fallen over and is trying to sleep on my shoulder! What country is this guy from? I specifically asked after being jabbed in the rib cage asked him to stop touching me. Me: "STOP TOUCHING ME!" HIM: Blank look. P.S., he spoke English. Then the guy has the nerve to spread his legs all the way over into my very little leg room. WTF! I'm totally squished against the window desperately trying to sleep as this guy can't keep out of my seat or space. Oh, but the fun doesn't end there, oh no! The cacophony of snoring begins. One, two, three guys ... snoring in synchrony. Somebody just get me off this plane!

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