Thursday, October 30, 2014

Me and the Queen of Hearts

You have to humor me today. I am prone to depression (I will admit it because it takes it out of secrecy and makes it mainstream). When I'm depressed I sleep a lot ... A LOT. I don't want to take drugs for it. The last time I did it scrambled my brain like eggs. I need my brains. So, I do natural things, and I try to recognize what's going on and stop myself from falling into the "rabbit hole". I equate the rabbit hole as a very unfriendly place and really hard to crawl back out.

Sometimes though I let myself fully celebrate the rabbit hole with the Queen of Hearts. We often talk about how fun it would be to take some people's heads off and maybe spare the others. It's all talk really. You know over a deck of cards. When I let myself celebrate my dark humor I just give myself a day or so. This self-inflicted pity-party involves howling at the moon, too. It feels great. Try a little howling -- best home remedy around.

The depression tends to be triggered by PMS (the all-time favorite culprit of imbalanced hormones and age) and overall unresolved feelings. Depression is anger turned inward. Sometimes I wonder if I just let the anger rage outward instead of inward I would at least release it. Instead I press a smile on my face when I shouldn't smile at all. I place boundaries and then watch others disrespect those boundaries and then it creates a vicious circle. I feel bad about myself for allowing disrespect. Then I remember, maybe I didn't respect myself. You would be surprised though once those boundaries REALLY go down and you hold and hold and hold how all of a sudden a new-found respect arises from those who think those boundaries were drawn in erasable ink.

One time my husband said, "I don't get it. You place boundaries with me. Why do you let other people walk right over them but not me?" I pondered the question. And then I realized why I could do it with him. Because I knew in my "queen of hearts" that he loves me unconditionally, and it's all right to say what I need and want. If someone loves you they don't want to disrespect your boundaries.

So, in my dark humor day I hope there is a nugget of golden information for you to take home. I don't know if I'll ever totally overcome depression. That I am still walking, talking and authentically smiling says a lot about my place on this journey. That I found a husband who loves me unconditionally says even more. And that I am able to hold the line shines bright on the promise of hope for happiness.

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