Relationship Secrets

Here I am with my second cup of coffee in me (I try to drink only one cup, but lately I keep sipping a second), and I'm contemplating what I will share with you. Today ... hmmm ... let's go personal inspiration. Here is a piece of information: it took me 20 years to finally get my professional AND personal life right. I now have my company 3L Publishing on track. At the same time, I have my personal life working at an optimal level. I cannot really talk about the "what-went-wrong" part in my personal life, as my divorce agreement stipulates that I cannot publicly discuss it. I can, however, generally say that reducing one's expectations is the first step toward unhappiness. I used to say, "Expect nothing and be happy with what you get." My fiancé Kirk Donnelly heard that and groaned, "How sad." Yes, I was living a life of "sub-zero expectations." Are you living like that? Do you expect nothing from your partner, and then you're happy when he or she throws you some crumbs off the affection table? You do realize that is NOT a good relationship. I'm not an expert by any means, but I do have some wonderful advice for women (and men if you please). I've learned some sage wisdom through experience, so here I will pass it on.

1. If you have to pressure, plead or cajole your guy to be with you, live with you, or marry you -- STOP. Any man or woman who cannot maturely decide to commit to the relationship probably has some hesitation. Step back. Instead reflect and look at your life, your dreams and your goals. Let go! Pressuring a relationship is always a mistake. A man or woman will be attracted back when they don't have white, hot pressure on them to be in your life.

2. How many people have you heard say, "She told me to marry her or it was over." Another pressure tactic. I've seen many men succumb to it; but let me ask you, "Do you really want your man to be with you under those circumstances?" Most marriages that got started under the "marry-me-or-leave" demand end up in divorce court.

3. Enabling and co-dependence ... my life coach Bo Bradley has a wonderful book titled Hot Mess, we hope to publish later this year. The pressure-cooker method often falls under co-dependent relationships. Are you happy with yourself? Or are you looking toward your partner to fulfill your happiness? How about other co-dependent behaviors ... doing drugs with your partner or cleaning up after your partner's drug use. Always the caregiver ... giving, giving, giving and no "get" in return. In fact, you exhausted from all the giving and no receiving! Relationships are two-way streets and balanced. Is yours in balance?

Now I am going to give you three ways to behave to attract your man (or woman if you please):

1. Be yourself! No pressure! No demand! No timelines ... nothing! I know so many impatient people will panic! But what if he never ... well, then he never! And that's that! Time to move on. Put a private deadline in your head. If he doesn't make any move toward commitment by that time, then you have to decide what's right for you. NOT what's right for him ... what's right for you.

2. Live your life to the fullest. Make your plans with an open heart. If your man wants to share those plans with you, great! If he doesn't then keep going on with it. Learn what makes you happy outside of a relationship. You will find that once you're aglow with happiness that is a very alluring, attractive thing. You won't have to cajole or convince or pressure your guy. He will be so attracted to your enthusiasm and positivity, he will gladly come along for the ride.

3. Be easy to be with! Men like women who are easy to be with. Time spent complaining or convincing a guy to be with you isn't appealing. Who wants to spend time with a woman who spends all her time trying to convince you to be with her. Laughter, good times, and pleasure -- who doesn't want those things. Be yourself! Plan fun things to do. And enjoy! You will be surprised when your guy comes round ALL ON HIS OWN STEAM.

And my last word: getting a guy in bed does not mean he is going to commit to you! And if you're having sex with a guy, don't assume he is committed to you either. Sex is often just that -- sex! It feels good; it's fun! So a sexual relationship doesn't always equal commitment. Don't fool yourself with that one.