Saturday, January 4, 2014

Advice from a Single Gal

So I've signed up for those relationship advice newsletters. You know the ones -- Christian Carter and the like. He gives advice from the man's perspective for women, which I think is valuable given that a woman giving women advice about how men think probably doesn't work. I'll tell you before I get into my little "advice" (I use that word loosely) column that my only experience is my own. I've read all of the books over the years among them the famous Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus; I've sat in the therapist's chair; I've done all of it. Here is the thing: I don't have trouble getting men to commit to me. I've never really had that problem per se. My problems go more in line with getting them and being happy with them. Getting what I want and need from my man without driving him crazy -- that would be my issue. So, what I'm going to say about "attraction" and commitment is from experience and the ability to attract men (probably too many choices).

Attraction and Confidence: yes, it's not about just being attractive. Here is what I'm consistently told. The men who adore me love my confidence. Of course self-confidence cannot be taught, and I am by no means perfect here. Oh, I can run a room for sure. When my heart gets put on the line I can wobble. Men love a confident woman. Ask them. Smart, confident, attractive, many of them will admit this is on the top 10 list. Confidence isn't just a projection either. Confidence is an inner feeling that you know who you are and what you bring to the table. Confidence is "knowingness" and when it comes to men it means confidence in them. Confidence that your man will come through and not negative thinking (he won't come through). Confidence in his feelings for you. If he says he loves you, why are you doubting it? If he says it, believe it, trust it, and go with it. And one thing about trusting what he says, why are you doubting it? Adopt the rule that unless he shows you otherwise, trust what he says.

Faith and Happiness: I recently had my man ask for my faith in him -- that made me take pause and think about it. Men need to know their women believe in them. If you're constantly doubting your man the real message is you don't believe in him. The sheer power of belief in your man will uplift and empower him to feel good about himself and YOU. Don't be afraid to be his cheerleader. Men don't want your criticism. They want your belief and faith in them. Give your man the power of your belief, and you'll be impressed with how that ripples throughout your relationship.

What he's not doing vs. what he is doing: Don't spend all of your time fussing over what your man hasn't done for you. Again your drawing a lot of energy toward the negative. In the book The Five Love Languages, the author encourages women to validate what their men are doing for them if they want to get more acts of service (meaning more help in the kitchen). If all you ever do is tell your man a list of what he hasn't done for you all the energy pulls toward the negative and makes him resent you. Praise the good and the great. Keep the focus on the right not the wrong. You will be pleased to see more right starts to appear.

I'm going to stop here. I will periodically post these helpful ideas. I plan to start a Romance Blog to support our line of romance books. Relationship advice will be featured.

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